why today?

i feel as worse as i am capable of feeling.

Maths was hard. well, no, that was an understatement.

Maths was Hell.

eczema's acting up. Real bad. its so painful even to walk. i think ive figured out what triggers my eczema. its not allergy to any food or anything. its Stress, with the capital 'ASS'.

and off al the day, why does he ought to make me feel like horse shit TODAY?

its official. today, June the 4th is jinxed.

get out of my way, im going to turn into an incredible hulk now. and nothing, nothing can stop me from runnig amok. go hide yourselves from me.

gosh i feel so stupid, unappreciated, taken for granted and stupid. oh ive mention tht? ill say tht again. i feel sooooooo stupidddd *screamssss*

*and the little loola girl turns into a green gigantic monster, with terrible eczema on the soles of her feet. the hulk starts to sob and cries herself to sleep with mars bar on one hand and her spongebob plush on the other*

i want my momma :'(

a breather or two

*inhale* waa bau mcm blog baru.. dah lama sgt xupdate nih.

:) god knows how much i miss tapping words for this minute space of mine. exams have been keeping me very busy (not to mention loola and hyper at times). im halfway through Alevels finals. three more paper to go, the next one in 4 days and i figure i could take a breather for a while n ramble n babble here.

i went back home semalam! Along is safely back in Malaysia!! his flight safely landed smlm mlm n the whole family was there to sambut him. except from the long shampoo ad like hair, nothing much is diffrent with him, still funny, cranky and sweet in a subtle way as always. we had dinner together n went straight home. we helped him unpacked (or rather, dug in his bags to collect our ole-oles) :D Guess what!? he got me 3 handbags, a tote bag, a pair of lovely pumps and couple of tees.. the best thing of all is the oles2 are all unexpected! i only hinted to him i want a handbag from there, and im now a few tees n bags richer! haaa sayang alongg :)) (told ya hes sweet in a subtle way ;))

seeing n hearing stories from along really makes me motivated to do well in the final so i can someday get the experince of living n studying abroad too. though his stories are not all about rainbows and butterflies, (think not eating meat as frequent, that stare from some ppl when u tell 'em ure a moslem, piles of assignments to be done, money matters and frens so wacky they have naked mull ritual in the hall) the prospect of experiencing a different environment of learning, living outside the comfort zone, and on top of it all pursuing my dreams, are more than enough a reason.

so, that said, think im gonna hit the books back. i have calculus, statistics and what not to revise. see ya! (real soon)

*******

just a thought

sedar tak sedar, dah nak masuk 3 tahun kot this blog exsisted. one thing i love bout blogging is that i can read back all my posts when im bored n smile n laugh to what i wrote. i wrote my posts from my heart, thus the name on the first hand is more than just words. be it my regular (boring) college life update, my whines, my joy, fears, tears, my angau days n my down in the dumps days, all came straight from the heart. so no matter how long ago i wrote the posts kan, bila i baca again, id surely remember how i felt at tht time.

so to those who asked whether im quitting blogging (sebab dah lama sgt xupdate kot) hehe the answer is no.

at least not in anytime soon :) so rejoice, fans! :P kidding~

toodles.

and this one goes to

Mama.
for being the bestest fren any girl could ask for. u support me thru n forgive some of the biggest mistakes a daughter could do. it will bring tears to my eyes everytime i think bout the days i made u so sad. even sadder when u forgive me each time. im so sorry. but in a way im glad cause after that, we became closer than ever. like carrot n peas ;) i wouldnt trade my love for you for anything else in the whole wide world. when everything else is turning their backs on me, i know for sure you'd still be there for me. i love u ma. oh yeah ma, teach me how to cook someday yeah? ur cookings the best i swear.

KYUEM
happy birthday.. i think, ithink la.. there is a slight chance that, i, love you, Ky. i might even miss u when im off to someplace else. im leaving in 2more months. i hope u'll continue to make more ppl to start accepting u not just as a place to shelter n prepare b4 we fly off, but also a place where the heart stays. a place tht teaches us beyond whats in the text book. a place called home.

to me you are. my home. and im sure many other retards feel that way too :)

ps- college birthday last year was more fun i think but at least this year i get to walk passed nik nazmi n smiled to him ;)

hey Dr, remember me?

picture urself walking on a narrow path at the top of a mountain. it is so narrow, about a foot wide. and, it's a very, very long road. uve come a long way, yet the journey is still long. its a hard path, but the destination is definite.

all the way along the journey. two birds fly close by. so very close that if u raise ur hand, you could almost touch them.

on your left is a black crow. so ugly, so noisy so very big. in its eyes u can see nothing but darkness and wrath. it flies loyally close to you.

and on ur right, is an equally big white beautiful pigeon flying faithfully close to you too. its eyes twinkling, mesmerizing.

you might shoo the crow away, make the ugly scary creature go away or you might try to catch the white pigeon.

either way, most likely u'd fall down in trying to do so. the path is narrow. critical. and if u fall down, its terminal.

so just walk on. step, by step, by step. ignore the birds. they will keep coming back, no use in trying to shoo or catch them, u might fall. just walk on, head held up high, eyes looking forward. u can stop for a breather, but never patah balik or terjun down. okayh?

cause i think i can see the destination. its bright n full of promises. its definite.

lets go guys. lets keep walking.

ps - did u know ur words left a big impact on me, Dr. Rashid? thank you. :)

i miss her

Many people thought this is a picture of me when i was little. This is actually a picture of my little sister, Iqa taken when she was 9yo. I dont blame them though. many people said we look very much alike. we share the same shoe size, same tee size (almost la), same height and most importantly the same birth date. There has been many times people mistook us for twin sisters.

At home Iqa was the one who always paksa me to go jogging, play badminton with her, and go ice skating. We have the same fav food and ice cream flavour. Iqa is also super friendly and adoreable too. I once took her out to watch a movie with Zul n after the outing Zul joked he doesnt mind taking Iqa to replace me if i ran away n elope with some other guy. Iqa therefore is the miniature me.

Last week,a letter arrived from MARA headquarters. Iqa is offerd a place in MRSM (3rd intake) way up north and of course, she was elated as she could be as shes always wanted to go to boarding school (like her along (later moved out) angah (stayed thruout the five years) and nurul (also keluar after couple of months due to homesickness)) the point is we all have had experience in boarding schools (including mama and ayah). She packed up her stuffs say goodbyes to bosom friends n teachers. Ayah Mama n Nurul sent her off.

I went home the last weekend and followed them to pay Iqa a visit. the MRSM is new, the kids look nice and Iqa seems to be coping well. we took her out for lunch, borak2 and she told me bout her worries in coping with studies. I assured her shes gonna do well all she has to do now is adapt to the new environment first. I remind her high school can be tough sometimes but at the end of the day she always has me, family members and most importantly God to turn to.

we went back later that evening and dad dropped me at coll. Iqa followed the car with her eyes and waved madly with a sad smile on her face until she became a tiny spot on the rearview mirror. (unlike me when i was in form 1 tho, she didnt cry her heart out when we were leaving.)

it kinda hurts to think that i wudnt be seeing much of her dah pasni as our cuti is never the same. MRSM and my beloved KYUEM cuti sgt pelik2 and rarely overlaps. i miss her sorely already.

sometimes i fail to see the point of going to boarding school so early in life when u barely know how to basuh baju yet. have fun first, bother bout being independent later in coll or uni.

but other times, which is most of the times, i feel my time in boarding school has taught me a lot of lessons where i cudnt get in daily schools. and i hope itll do the same too to Iqa.

so Iqa, chin up girl. i know you'll do well there and as far apart as we might be, ure always, always close to me in my heart. take care tau :')

Ps- Nurul if youre reading this, jgn terasa. Angah sayang you too just didnt get the chance to miss you, u dah lari keluar from MOZAC. heheh :P