kerisauan melanda

tell me how much faster do i need to go.
cause the end of the tunnel just seems too far away.

Dearly Departed..

my earliest recollection about arwah is when i was 5 or 6, arwah was still healthy and cheerful at that time. Growing up in Terengganu, Along and I are very fond of its delicacies. I love this one kuih called Nek Bat, its like kuih baulu eaten with syrup made of plain sugar. Along on the other hand, love another kuih called Akok.

My grandmother, or Chik, as her around 30++ cucus lovingly call her, pantang dgr kalau along or i merengek nak makan all these kuihs. i remember, every time balik Dungun, Chik would surely surely suurely buatkan along Akok and nek bat for me. it wasnt an easy job at all. i remember this one thing like a giant giling she used to painstakingly giling half a cup of beras at a time until it become fine powder, and mix it up with water, eggs and sugar and whatnot to make akok. As for the nek bat, Chik would patiently bake the cake using traditional dapur arang belakang rumah, red faced and berpeluh-peluh everytime.

once in a while if we were being good all day, Chik sometimes make us these grated dried kelapa muda n gula in those colourful paper tube, Saigon i think it is called or smthg.. or gula-gula tarik made from nisan, or some call it gula melaka. it was a feast everytime :)

Up until now, we could never find anything quite like chik's cookings anywhere we look, hi and lo, even the so called best akok/nek bat in town.

as we grow older though, arwahs health deteriotated. She had a combination of many old age diseases and started to have to use wheelchair to move around. my grand father, Tok Ki as we call him, had to renovate the house to make it easier for Chik to move around. The akok machine was given away, and the place where she used to bake my nekbat is turned into a small hut where Ki did carpentry to renovate the house.

Around that time too, i had to go away to boarding school and my relationship with Chik and Ki wasnt as close anymore. i went back only on occasions like raya or kenduri. Sometimes if mama or ayah call kampung pun, i rarely talk to them. most of the time, i was busy being self involved, being at that phase of so called adolescent.

Before i flew off here to the UK, i met Chik one last time. i remember there was only me and her in her room, i was making sure she took her meds and help her lie down on bed. I told her im going away to the UK. she asked me how long will i be here. I told her, insyaaallah, 5 years. that was when Chik smiled. She said, "baguslah angah, nnt balik jadik doctor bolehlah ubatkan Chik". I smiled back, with mixed feelings, mostly sadness. she pulled at my heartstrings with those words.

Little did i know, it was gonna be her last words to me.

ive been here for almost 9 months now. never once did i call Dungun to speak to Chik. I care for her deeply, everytime i call home, id ask mama n ayah bout her heatlh and all but never did i talk directly to her. Why, you ask me? i ask myself the same thing.

Mama called yesterday to tell me Chik has passed away. i hung up the phone feeling numb, but not sad. i felt empty. i didnt know what to feel.

only now, as i sat alone looking out the window, reciting Yaasin for her, im overwhelmed by all these memories. petty little memories come rushing back to me. and i cant seem to stop these tears from streaming down my cheeks.

and all thats left now, are those little pieces of memories.

Al-Fatihah.

good news!

today at ASDA, i found HALAL yummy gummy bears by Haribo!

Hah!

try beating that!! na-na-nah-na-na :P

Amsterdam, Amsterdam.

Its a place where i assure you would get to see (or even do, hay~ ;) ) things you'd never see (or do) anywhere else.

there was red light district. where we saw red curtained windows with exhibitions inside that would make you blush. where we experience being chased by a pros who speaks malay. and where we entered countless shops selling souvenirs with unimaginable shapes and sizes, cannabis cookies and even canna lollipop!

there was the dam square where the atmosphere is so lively and happy. it so happens that when we got there, there was a fun fair on the squre. the sweet smell of oversized cotton candy filled the air and the colourful lights at night with happy faces of children and lovers just makes you smile even after a tiring day strolling in the art museum. the more normal looking sovenirs sold here too, was a big plus point ;)

which brings me to the next point, the art museums. theres loads of artsy fartsy stuff in amsterdam. they have van gogh museum, rijksmuseum, monuments and a couple of photography museums. Though is was good fun at the first few paintings that we saw, how the interpret them and the meaning behind each stroke, trust me if you're not a big art lover, after a dozen of paintings, your feet will start to ache, head spins and you'd rather sit on the bench by the canal and watch as the people passes you by, mostly using bicycles :)

Holland is a beutiful and unique country to visit. In spring especially, the sea of blooming tulips would just take your breath away. Well as for me, maybe the people i go to Amsterdam with, is what makes the trip even more special an enjoyable. ;) thank you guys!
More pictures here
And random videos here
Enjoy, cause we sure did! :)