Rainy Monday

A day's work in a clinic can be quite demanding. And i dont mean physically so much. But you can get emotionally wary. You see patients come in with a disease you cant cure. You see young little boy with gorgeous blue eyes and curly golden hair smiling to you and telling you you smell like strawberry, jumping around happily one minute and screaming and crying the next after you gave him three immunisation shots. Oh and the look he gave with that teary big blue eyes! You see old grown big men cry over the death of their loved ones. You see all sorts of things. And you cant help but to empathize and feel. It's just little things but these little things do get you down sometimes.

I guess i just have to learn to dissociate my feelings and my work better. Empathize but not feel. Be stronger and look on the bright side. And start saving the world, one patient at a time. Chin up!

23 reasons

Today is the 23rd birthday of one of the most important person in my life; Zul. I could not even begin to describe how much he means to me. So i am gonna try to get across to you why he means so much to me and why i am so smitten with him :) So here goes the list of 23 reasons. In no particular order:

1- He is laid back. So he compliments my kelam kabut and easily excitable nature and makes me feel relaxed and comfortable around him.

2- He is someone I can count on. Although he is not a morning person, if its a big day for me or for him, he would be the one who gives me wake up calls and wish me luck and calms the jitters.

4- He cooks for me. ( More than i cook for him! :O )

5-And on occasions where i cook for him, he insists to do all the cleaning and washing up so i could 'go take a rest, you dah penat masak' Hello, i masak nasik goreng ngn telur dadar je maybe.

6- He involves me in his daily lives. Asks my opinion, take me to MtG places where nerds off happen; with that fat slob with greasy hair and lanky awkward boy with spectacles so thick his eyes seems incredibly small, staring at the cards with such intensity like the next one they are gonna play might just change the course of history.

7-And he is one of those nerds without the nerdy looks ;) So i could call him up and ask, Zul why is this and that? And i would get complete detailed answer as if i am listening to the audio version of howstuffworks.com. LOL

8- Despite that, he could be a hopeless romantic at times.

9- He introduces me to his friends and more importantly to his family.

10- He calls when he says he would

11- he notices the small things. How I wear my scarf differently. Its a new perfume. Fancy schmancy new shoes.

12- He remembers! Yeah you wore that white shirt that day and I said hi to you. and the rest was history.

13- He cares! There was this one time in Prague where we were strolling the streets and we had to stop sebab suddenly i had a massive fit of cough and got sick, probably from the bad food i ate. He saw a stranger carrying a carrier bag with something tht says what seems to be like the word Pharmacy in Czech i guess and ran to him and actually stopped that guy in his tracks to ask where could he find a pharmacy so he could get smthg for my cough. turns out that man dint speak english and he used every crude sign language to get his question across. Hehe so comel that i ended up feeling better n not so sick anymore :D (woman flu je maybe)

14- He continuously wants to improve himself. In all aspects of life. Career, spiritual, financial and works hard for it.

15- He reads

16- He shares his reads with me

17- He takes amazing photos and is persistent at it.

18- He teaches me what he knows

19- And asks me things he doesnt know but knows that i would.

20- He tells me little stories about when he was a little boy. that isnt necessarily big or significant. but he tells me anyway and smile when he recollets his memory.

21- He laughs a lot. and it is contagious.

22- He apologizes and he forgives

23- He adores me as much as i adore him.

There! 23 reasons why he is awesome on his 23rd birthday. :D i could go on all night but i have to save some for next year pulak. :) Its quite long and im not used to long posts but if you are reading up to this point, you should try writing a list about your significant other oh their special day as well! It feels so nice to actually pen this down and it saves time as well you know. so next year i could write smthg like this:

24 reasons I love you on your 24th birthday:

1- You are hot

2- refer the rest to last years post (inserts link)

See! You guys should totally try this out. :D

To Zul, Happy birthday! Have a great day and I can't wait to see you soon!

xxxxx Laila

This kinda love.

I saw an old couple today. They were walking in front of me towards the main entrance of the hospital. The lady wore a knee length brown hooded trench coat while the husband with greying hair wore a matching winter jacket. They walked really slowly. I noticed the lady has varicosed veins on her leg while the old man's foot was a bit edematous. I fastened my pace and walk beside them, not wanting to miss my letcure. Smiled a polite and embarrased smile, replied by their thin lips curved up.

They have their hands clasped to each others' while their other hands gripping tightly to walking sticks. Both wore a single Red Poppy on the chests and have that solemn, calm look on their faces, amongst all those busy medical students and other professionals.

They keep walking and walking, slowly, in the cold November rain, in each others hand. In my eyes, its like whatever the world throws at them, their love and care for each other could never waned. :)

I want this for you and me. I want this for all of us. :)

the reason the willow weeps

is here;

its so you dont have to

taken from IWroteThisForYou, his words calms me when i need soothing. thank you.

do you see what i see?

my first paper is this tuesday. My head feels really heavy and i am tired all the time. this is the hard times, folks.

but its at times like this that the littlest thing you find when you least expected it, those little things really lift up you spirit.

do you see what im talking about?

i was about to go to class when i noticed it. it just makes my day :)

its all in the mirror and i think its been there for months now :)

Holding it all together as best as i could

i havent call home for two days so i I called this morning. Nurul answered it and i asked her to pass me to Mama. Theres something different in her voice, trembling, almost inaudible. Maybe poor connection, i thought.
i jokingly asked her

"knapa mama sounds so sad ni, tak mau ckp ngn angah ke? :( "
"bukan lah angah, sbb mama mmg tgh sad'
"oh, why why why, crite la"

and thats when mama asked me wther ive read yesterdays newspaper. i Knew then something just isnt right.

"Abg Alim dah xde ngah"
"oh, kenapa kenapa? die pegi mana?"
"die dah xde ngah, die accident smlm, it was in the newspaper."
"...... bila ma? kenapa? apa jadi?"
"smlm, malam pukul 10, die accident just 5 mins away from his home. baru je mama jumpe die 2 days ago."
"innalillah" and i cried my heart out...

****
abg alim is my cousin sebelah Melaka. if im not mistaken, he is 25/26 this year. His real name is Faizal and i have no idea where we get the Alim nickname from.

i have always adored Abg Alim for his endearing personality. not to mention, he is quite a heart throb. :) I used to jokingly call him Yusry KRU, because, he exatly look like him when he dress up smartly. During family gath, Abg Alim yang paling rajin melayan all the sepupu2. He would do a few trips and take us all to the mall for a movie or just for ais kacang together.

Now, at 26, Abg Alim was a budding bussiness man. He owned a grocery store in Melaka which is rapidly growing under his management. Abg alim had a beautiful girlfriend and was soon to get engaged to her if everythng went well. I remember chatting to him bout the store and see how ambitious he is about the whole bussiness plan for his future plans. I adore him for that too.

but i guess, God has better plans for him.

Selasa malam, Abg Alim was helping Pak Seman, his dad (my uncle) to tidy up the house. from the stories i heard, Abg Alim suddenly said to Pak Seman

"Ayah, kalau Alim mati, ayah tanam alim dekat2 dengan kubur ayah nanti tau"
Pak Seman was caught off guard and Adik Anne, (Alim's lil sis) menyampuk
"Oh kalau cmtu Anne takmau kubur sbelah Alim la.. Alim bising! tak aman nnt! heheheh"
Alim smiled and said jokingly "Tapi Alim nak kubur sbelah ayah, ayah kan org Masjid boleh Alim tumpang terang kubur nnt :)"

They all laughed and then have dinner and perform Isyak prayer together. After prayer, Abg Alim told Mak Lin (my aunt) hes off to the store to see how things are. He salam Mak Lin before keluar rumah and Mak lin asked "Ibu tngok Alim berseri-seri malam ni, nak jumpe sesiape ke?"
Abg Alim just smiled and take his motorbike and off he went.

And that was it. En route to his store, Abg Alim had an accident. He ran into a car straight ahead of him and was flung far away from his bike. He died on the spot. The body was retained from the hospital in perfect condition. mama said, its hard to believe he was in a road accident because there were no cuts or bruise anywhere. The doctors said the cause of death was severe internal heammorhage.
this is the best picture i could find of Abg Alim. It was my first raya away and nurul kirim this picture. This is not even half of nenek's cucu. But nenek has one less grand child now. And he, was standing 2nd from left.

Abg Alim selamat dikebumikan at the tanah perkuburan depan rumah nenek. Semoga ditempatkan bersama org2 beriman. Al-Fatihah.

Dearly Departed..

my earliest recollection about arwah is when i was 5 or 6, arwah was still healthy and cheerful at that time. Growing up in Terengganu, Along and I are very fond of its delicacies. I love this one kuih called Nek Bat, its like kuih baulu eaten with syrup made of plain sugar. Along on the other hand, love another kuih called Akok.

My grandmother, or Chik, as her around 30++ cucus lovingly call her, pantang dgr kalau along or i merengek nak makan all these kuihs. i remember, every time balik Dungun, Chik would surely surely suurely buatkan along Akok and nek bat for me. it wasnt an easy job at all. i remember this one thing like a giant giling she used to painstakingly giling half a cup of beras at a time until it become fine powder, and mix it up with water, eggs and sugar and whatnot to make akok. As for the nek bat, Chik would patiently bake the cake using traditional dapur arang belakang rumah, red faced and berpeluh-peluh everytime.

once in a while if we were being good all day, Chik sometimes make us these grated dried kelapa muda n gula in those colourful paper tube, Saigon i think it is called or smthg.. or gula-gula tarik made from nisan, or some call it gula melaka. it was a feast everytime :)

Up until now, we could never find anything quite like chik's cookings anywhere we look, hi and lo, even the so called best akok/nek bat in town.

as we grow older though, arwahs health deteriotated. She had a combination of many old age diseases and started to have to use wheelchair to move around. my grand father, Tok Ki as we call him, had to renovate the house to make it easier for Chik to move around. The akok machine was given away, and the place where she used to bake my nekbat is turned into a small hut where Ki did carpentry to renovate the house.

Around that time too, i had to go away to boarding school and my relationship with Chik and Ki wasnt as close anymore. i went back only on occasions like raya or kenduri. Sometimes if mama or ayah call kampung pun, i rarely talk to them. most of the time, i was busy being self involved, being at that phase of so called adolescent.

Before i flew off here to the UK, i met Chik one last time. i remember there was only me and her in her room, i was making sure she took her meds and help her lie down on bed. I told her im going away to the UK. she asked me how long will i be here. I told her, insyaaallah, 5 years. that was when Chik smiled. She said, "baguslah angah, nnt balik jadik doctor bolehlah ubatkan Chik". I smiled back, with mixed feelings, mostly sadness. she pulled at my heartstrings with those words.

Little did i know, it was gonna be her last words to me.

ive been here for almost 9 months now. never once did i call Dungun to speak to Chik. I care for her deeply, everytime i call home, id ask mama n ayah bout her heatlh and all but never did i talk directly to her. Why, you ask me? i ask myself the same thing.

Mama called yesterday to tell me Chik has passed away. i hung up the phone feeling numb, but not sad. i felt empty. i didnt know what to feel.

only now, as i sat alone looking out the window, reciting Yaasin for her, im overwhelmed by all these memories. petty little memories come rushing back to me. and i cant seem to stop these tears from streaming down my cheeks.

and all thats left now, are those little pieces of memories.

Al-Fatihah.

feeling detached

i went to do groceries with Jannah at Aldi today. we walked home with two big bags of stuff and each one of us carried one. my other hand was holding a small bag with a few bars of chocs and biscuits.

so anyways, while i was walking, halfway down the road, Jannah half screamed, telling me to stop, and stop i did, dead on my tracks, letting go of the heavy load i was carrying, shocked. my hand felt sticky and i looked at her quizzically. she looked down to the bag i was carrying and i averted my gaze down. and boy, fresh warm red blood was trickling down the bag. i look at my hands and oddly, both palms have cut marks and blood was all over almost all of my fingertips. the cuts are deep, and long, almost 2cm. but i didnt feel sakit at all. sgt pelik heyyy!

alright, so the bag on my right hand was damn heavy thus maybe the cut but why was my left palm bleeding too?

jannah handed me her gloves i put it on and jannah help carried the small bag. she insisted to carry both of it but i dont want her to tercirit kat tengah jalan pulak nnt. heavy okay.

hehe

so yeah then we continued back home, me hugging the big bag and quieter than usual, puzzled with what just happened.

back at home then, i dropped almost everything i was holding on to. the stupid wilko spatula, the spoons, a tub of half a litter of yoghurt, splattering strawberrry cream everywhere in my room and every single thing i got hold of.

did i tell you i dropped almost everything i was holding on to?

sigh. what a day.

***EDITED***

ps- but some things are just too precious, that are worth it to hold on to tightly even when things get hard. as a matter of fact, you need it more when things get hard!

like a bottle of Frijj, or a tub of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough maybe?

those are things i woulndt ever let go off, even if i have plasters on all forefingers :D

the post at which i started using tags!

i went to london last weekend. many thought the occasion was Valentine's Day but it was actually not quite that. 15th Feb was the boyfriend's 21st birthday, a big thing, so i want to be there at least for the day. Ash (the Brain) helped me planned a surprise party for him. the Brawn were obviously Eg and Hamid, and well, me, i was just the Beauty i guess ;P hahahahha! the whole thing went perfectly well. Hatherley 2 was pack with happy faced, smiley, pot-bellied people, both invited ones and the much welcomed party crashers :D thank you everybody!

this calls for a shoutout :)

Happy 21st Birthday Zul.
You're one in a million, you know that?

love always. :)

ive gotto get back to anatomy now. ttyl ppl!